After 25 years in the corporate world, Mila Smith now helps people find and build fulfilling relationships as a certified Relationship & Dating Coach , using proven, science-based methods to guide them toward healing, self-improvement, and lasting love. In this article Mila offers compassionate and practical advice for navigating the emotional challenges of the festive season after a separation or divorce, with tips on prioritising self-care, leaning on supportive relationships, and focusing on activities that foster healing and resilience:
And just like that, we have officially entered the pre-Christmas season once more. It may be the most wonderful time of the year for many, especially parents with younger children: a great opportunity to re-live the festive season through their eyes and feel the excitement again. However, for many divorced, separated and single people, it happens to be stressful and even traumatic.
The first Christmas following a separation or a divorce can be brutal whether your breakup came as a welcome change or a shock. The blatantly obvious change in arrangements; the feeling of uncertainty; the sting of loneliness and possibly, anger and sadness at the same time. Does any of this sound familiar?
To add insult to injury, the shops are already full of ornaments, chocolates and other Christmas paraphernalia along with images and videos of happy families in matching pyjamas which seem to be following you everywhere.
As a Relationship and Dating Coach, I am beginning to get more enquiries at this time. As a woman, I know exactly how it feels as years ago, I was a single mum with a questionable relationship track record. I used to think I was unlucky until I figured out it had very little to do with luck and everything to do with my choices.
If you’re separated or divorced, and Christmas is mainly filling you with dread this year, rather than cheer, refuse to be defeated and take charge with these tips to help you navigate the festive season.
1. Family
Families can be a great source of support, so if you’re fortunate enough to have reassuring and tactful parents, siblings and extended family, that’s great! However, let’s face it, some families just seem to put you under (even more) pressure and insist on “picking at the scab”.
In this case, there is a radical solution: don’t spend Christmas with your family even if it’s a life-long tradition. Your mental health is more important, so beg forgiveness and insist you must make an exception this year.
Think of the best alternative, which is going to make you happy, be it a trip somewhere completely different, visiting friends, or even being on your own. We live in a rather fast-paced environment and seldom stop to check-in with ourselves especially if we’re juggling a career and a family. Why not use the opportunity and have some quiet time doing something you love, recuperating, reconnecting with yourself and planning your future? However, avoid social media, as the distorted picture of happiness will only torment you when you’re already feeling low.
2. Friends
When you spend years as a couple, quite often you end up divorcing some mutual friends along with your ex-partner. Even worse, some of your personal married friends might turn their back on you because deep inside they see any single person as a potential threat. You’re probably, quite rightly, thinking you’re not just any single person but their friend…
Sadly, it happens: fear overrules compassion in some people, especially if they’re feeling insecure in their own relationship. Perhaps, they weren’t your true friends to begin with, which is now obvious as you’ve become “inconvenient”. You can start building a new circle of friends: look up local book or activity clubs, business or single parent groups, whatever fits.
3. Children
Children are typically resilient, and it’s virtually impossible to shelter them from all negativity in life, so give yourself a break. Research shows that a bad marriage or a combative relationship is worse for kids than a divorce. They are likely to cope better if you avoid highlighting what a tragedy it is. Whilst a divorce is unpleasant and should only be the last resort, we can’t ignore the fact many families fall apart. Unfortunately, it’s one of those difficult parts of being human, like illness and death. It’s more important to try and keep your breakup as amicable as possible.
We’re a blended family surrounded by other multiple blended families and many children brought up by single/separated parents. In my experience, even if you don’t normalise it, the kids will do it anyway. They all talk about splitting time between their parents and step-parents in a very light-hearted manner; and step-brothers or step-sisters soon are referred to as “brothers” and “sisters” which is quite heart-warming.
Having said that, I appreciate it can be hard to put on a brave face when you’re feeling broken inside. We’re getting to that.
4. Emotional release
Think of a creative activity which may help you release your emotions: perhaps, painting, making something or writing. Writing a letter to your ex-partner is a particularly good way of releasing unwanted emotions. However, DO NOT send it – it’s for your eyes only. I recommend a handwritten letter because an email or a text message can easily be sent by mistake or in the heat of the moment. Admit anger or guilt or whatever you’re feeling; explain why you’re feeling that way and how your former partner affected your life.
Write a new letter every week or every month, depending on the intensity of your feelings, and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice the transformation and your negative emotions dissipating over time. Contact me or another certified professional if you’re struggling and need help dealing with your emotional baggage.
5. Physical activity
If you exercise regularly and play sports already, consider doing more. If you don’t, now is the best time to start. Stop looking for excuses to delay until the new year! I can’t stress enough how important high-energy exercise is for releasing your emotions. It will decrease the stress hormones and increase your body’s “feel good” hormones giving you an instant boost in your mood. Improving your fitness level will also gradually increase your confidence.
If you have some underlying health issues, ask your doctor for a recommended exercise routine – even walking can help. On the other hand, joining a local gym, fitness, running or swimming classes would be ideal to keep you motivated as part of a group.
Conclusion
Try not to worry about those happy couples or “perfect families” in matching pyjamas. It’s mainly marketing as various businesses are using the occasion to make money (fair enough)! Just stay off social media and TV if you need to avoid those triggers.
As you’re well aware, you’re definitely not the only single person in town. I’m convinced, somewhere (could be just around the corner) there is a single man or a woman who is perfect for
you. However, if you’re coming to the realisation you’re happier being single for the time being – so be it; enjoy and don’t succumb to any outside pressure.